A Love Affair, Virtually?

Chapter I:  

Fuck her!  That’s how my morning started as I dragged my ass out of bed and poured a cup of much needed coffee.  Coffee is one of those heavenly moments for me, the aroma, that perfect golden color, that first sip…dare I say, it’s orgasmic without sounding like some weirdo?  I don’t care because that is how it is for me and it is a shame that it didn’t make me feel any better today.  

            My girlfriend of five months broke up with me last night.  She cited irreconcilable differences.  Irreconcilable differences my ass!  She found someone who would actually commit to her.  She was looking for forever and I couldn’t give that to her.  So Greg, the poor sap who dated her before me, who apparently was the love of her life, professed his love for her the other night.  She took the bait and the 1.5 karat diamond ring.           I can’t say that I’m happy for her at this moment and I guess it was inevitable.  I just never wanted to settle down and I really don’t think I have it in me.  I wasn’t exactly a saint or a one-woman-kind-of-guy.  I just get restless and bored, so it’s not a surprise that my relationships never lasted.  Truthfully, I am happy to be one of those perpetual bachelors, like George Clooney.  

            I like my own space, I like living under my terms and I don’t like people telling me what to do or criticizing my every move.  Every woman I’ve dated tried to “change” me to be someone I wasn’t and in the beginning I would attempt to do what they wanted…but let’s be honest, if it’s not innate…can you really change?  

For me, I’ve found that I cannot.  I know, there are theories about changing for the better, changing for the one you love and all that…but what if you like yourself just the way you are?  And I actually do like myself, hell you might as well say I love myself and so what if I’m a bit narcissistic about it?  I don’t feel the need to be someone I’m not and nor do I feel the burning desire to change who I am for anyone else, at least not right now.  

            Yes, I’ve been called selfish on several occasions and I guess it is true, but this is who I am.  I’m totally ok with it, like I said, I like being single!  I don’t need anyone in the forever sense.  I don’t need anyone to take care of me or to even love me.  I have tons of friends, good friends, a great family, and they all love me in spite of me sometimes…so what else is there?  Well…

            Ahhh…Fuck her!  I guess it’s a bit harder to swallow this break up than the others.  I’m not so sure I would’ve broken up with her, the truth is, I really did care for her.  I was quite comfortable in our relationship and that has never happened before but I wasn’t really ready to take the plunge.  She said she understood and was happy in our arrangement.  She always said she didn’t want to pressure me but in the end she tried.         I’m a bit oblivious to the obvious, so I didn’t catch those signs.  Like I said I was content in my relationship-just the way it was, maybe too much.  I didn’t know she wanted more than what I could give.  Looking back now, she did throw a lot of hints…every time we passed a jewelry store, while flipping through the celebrity magazines with so and so on the cover in a wedding gown, or whenever couples with babies in strollers passed by.  I just brushed those thoughts aside and I never encouraged them… I guess she finally got my hint.

I don’t blame her for finding someone else, despite my demeanor this morning. 

I’m just hurt and I sometimes lash out when my heart aches.  Last night was not an exception.  I said some horrible things to her, just God-awful horrible things, but my attitude didn’t seem to faze her.  She seemed to be in a different place, like she had already moved on.  She continued packing the few items I allowed her to keep at my house and left.  

            She didn’t say anything else to me after the irreconcilable differences statement, not even a goodbye.  She didn’t even look back.  She just slammed the door shut when she left.  Just like that, it was over!  I guess she got over me really quick.  Maybe she didn’t really love me after all?  Damnit, that’s stupid!  She did love me!  It just hurts a bit.            I couldn’t dwell on this much longer because I needed to get ready for work.  I showered and put on my Casual Friday clothes.  TGIF, Baby! After work on Fridays, my buddies and I would go to a place called Pool Cabana.  We would bring the house down.  We’d eat, drink, play pool and occasionally hit on the co-eds.  Actually, the co-eds did more of the flirting than we did.   It’s amazing how they are more sexually bold than when I was an undergrad.               A few of my buddies are married, so they only ogled the girls.  Oscar and I are single and I did consider myself single when I went out because I didn’t “put a ring on it”.  We’d always invite them over to our table and bought them drinks or whatever they wanted.  A few times, Oscar and I took some of them to bed, sometimes separately and sometimes together.  However, I never brought any of the girls home with me because of Sara.

She always suspected the worst of me and of course she had every right to.  I was doing the worst and no woman in her right mind would want to settle down with me.  She overlooked many of my bad traits but she still loved me through them.  Yea, she was a saint and I didn’t deserve her.  If I was really a good man I would have known that and proposed to her first.  But, I couldn’t.  The thought of marrying never sat well with me, and getting completely serious always made me feel like I was caged.  Even with her, who I did love.  Like I said, I don’t think I have it in me to commit to anyone.           It’s not like I didn’t try, but something always stopped me.  I don’t know what it was but I just couldn’t do it.  The women were always so amazing, beautiful, educated, talented, and successful, but it wasn’t them, per se.  I know it was me and I guess I’m just picky like everyone says.  Funny, I never thought I was picky before, but I guess this is the reason why I’ll be single forever.

            It’s still a shitty morning regardless and my last thought before I slammed my door…Fuck her!